Monday, October 24, 2011

Weekend Thinking....

I had alot of quiet time to think this weekend.  Probably more than I've had in months.  With all the football games, work activities, and family gatherings, I feel like I've been running in a maze.  This fall has produced more twists, turns, dead ends, and wrong ways than I care to admit.  Its been mind boggling.   

Here's the map of what we went through....and after a little while, we found our way out!!! I highly recommend doing this!
I liked going through our corn maze last week.  Despite the fact that it was a maze...and we got lost more times than either of us want to still felt safe.  I knew we were in a maze and we were going to eventually get out.

Why can't I do that in my own life?

You see, I suffer from anxiety.  So much so its debilitating at times.  In fact, Friday night, I was so overwhelmed, I had a panic attack.  I hadn't had one like that in years.  We had to leave the restaurant where we were at immediately.  I didn't eat my dinner.  (It is one of my absolute favorite restaurants).  Even though I was with my friends and my boyfriend who love me and care for me, I felt like I was going to suffocate.  I had to get out.  1-2 is very supportive of my struggle with anxiety and just took me home and took care of me.  I am so thankful to have him beside me, especially in those moments.  I need someone to calm my "I'm going crazy" mantra when I have a panic attack.  He is the antidote to my feelings of being out of control.

In my own life, I can't just see I am in a maze.  And I will get out, despite the twists and turns I take.  But, I'm so hell bent on trying to figure things out myself, that I lose out on the whole process of a maze...exploring the possibilities.  I have so many things in my mind about how things ought to turn out, what to do next, and where to go from here, I miss out on life.  I always have to know which way to turn...I can't just take a path and run with it.  I'm currently struggling with a few major turns in my own maze that, if I choose to pursue them, will completely change the course of my life. 

All of these thoughts came bubbling up on Saturday morning, as I was sitting in a ground blind.  It was my first hunting trip.  While I sat there, I just looked around and took in the beauty of the area around me.  I saw squirrels, birds, and the sun bounce in and around the woods.  Yes, we saw deer...a buck and 3 does.  And yes, 1-2 got his first deer Saturday.  (Way to go 1-2!)

But, I got the best gift of all.  Breathing space.  Perspective.  And a renewed desire to move out to the country.  I never in a million years figured myself for a country girl.  But, I need that space in order to feel the pressures of life get off of my shoulders.  I need space to breathe.  To feel alive.  To realize this life is beautiful...and even though I know there will be plenty of twists and turns in my own life's maze, I will have the clarity and the partner to help me deal.  Thank you 1-2.  For showing me there is more to life than jobs, bills, deadlines, and having everything figured out immediately.

(And just in case you were wondering, I was a deer hunting spectator on Saturday.  I haven't attempted my hand at it...yet....but you can guarantee I'll have a few recipes for deer coming up in the near future!)

See ya'll Wednesday~

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